Knowing When To Quit

Dealing with the tough times - Quit or Continue?

Here are some general pointers to knowing when to quit:

• Pain vs Gain - Is the pain of putting up with the tough times worth the benefit of the light at the end of the tunnel?
• Short Term vs Long Term Strategies - Quitting as a short-term strategy is usually a bad idea because it is usually based on subjective and emotional factors.
• When You MUST Bail Out Quickly - However there is an exception to this when you have made a commitment to a new project or job, or a new relationship, and realise very early on that you made a serious error of judgement.  In this instance it is a very good idea to bail out quickly before you do yourself and the other party serious harm.
• Why Quitting For The Long Term Matters Most - Quitting for the long term is a better idea because it frees you up to focus on something more beneficial to your long term interests.
• There Are Very Large Business Benefits In Pushing Through Tough Times  - In business significant and large benefits accrue to the tiny minority of people who are able to push on through the tough times just a bit longer than most people
• Your Response To Tough Times Determines Your Ultimate Success -  The achievement of most worthwhile things in life is controlled by how you handle the tough times.
• Its Nearly Always Fun & Easy In The Beginning - In the beginning, when you first start something - whether in business or a relationship, it’s fun and its easy to stay engaged. The thrill and pleasure of the new relationship or the rapid learning and progress you make in your business  keeps you going.
• The Long Slog Through Tough Times Is The Route To Mastery - And then the tough times happen and in business this marks the long slog between starting out and mastery, and in a relationship this is where it deepens and puts down deep roots that will sustain it for the long term
• In Competitive Business, Tough Times Can Be Your Ally - The world of business is competitive and tough times can be your ally. The harder it gets, the better chance you have of insulating yourself from the competition because they too will face the same challenges and many will quit.

Deciding WHEN to quit

A decision to quit based on how you feel in the present moment is most probably the wrong decision.

The best approach to knowing when to quit is to have a pre-determined set of "quitting criteria" which sets out certain key limits and boundaries beyond which you are not prepared to go.

Toxicity In Relationships

Knowing when to quit a relationship whether in business or your personal life is hard.

Over the years I have found that the point at which a relationship becomes toxic is the point at which to quit.

We all have different thresholds of what we find acceptable and can tolerate in relationships.

My own personal view is that when a relationship shows any of the following characteristics repeatedly is the time to end it:

• People who are "emotional black holes" and what I refer to as "drainers".
• Narcissistic behaviour - in all its forms and manifestations.
• Arrogance and rudeness, a selfish lack of consideration.
• The "never enough" syndrome - no matter how much you give to the other person it is never enough.
  
• Repeated crossing of your boundaries.
• A horrible sinking feeling when their name flashes up on your phone or in your inbox.
• When the overall effect of being in a relationship with the other person is toxic.
  

In my experience it can be quite difficult and take time to reach clarity on toxicity in a relationship when:

• In a business relationship the other party has the power to confer major financial benefit.
• In a personal relationship the other party is very attractive and charming - a common trait with narcissists.
• You love the other person and have a lot of emotion / time / money invested in the relationship.

Examples of Toxicity In Relationships

The abusive mentor

Approximately 8 years ago I was new to the commodities business and specifically to the market for refined fuels and crude oils. This business is about bringing buyers and sellers together.

I had a very wealthy and successful Spanish commodity trader who was mentoring me. He was good, but overwhelming arrogant rude and dismissive, and eventually one day I reached the point of no return and called him out for his behaviour. I figured I could find other ways and other people to help me learn the business - which over time I did.

The arrogant, rude and over-bearing business associate

This anecdote has a feature that also appears in the final anecdote below, and that is that over time the other person's  changed dramatically.

In my early association with this South African business man he was friendly and fascinating - a quirky character but interesting. His inter-personal skills were always weak but he seemed appreciative of the information and help that I shared with him.

Then in more recent times during the early stages of the pandemic his attitude to me became increasingly rude and abrasive, put simply he changed, and we would end up shouting at each other and hanging up on calls.

I tried to find out what the issue was and eventually I came to realise that he wrongly attributed certain business weaknesses to my commercial professional performance in our business relationship. I did my best to improve things but after one too many abrasive and rude calls I blocked him on WhatsApp and on my phone and emailed him to explain exactly why.

The breakdown in a long standing loving personal relationship

This anecdote was shared with me by a longstanding male friend.